Did you know that loneliness is just a perception? Even when you are alone, you are never actually alone. The danger for someone in a fragile state is that their mind is their worst enemy, and they are so afraid to be alone, in case their thoughts take over. It’s hard to be alone with your mind when your mind is chaotic, playing tricks on you, and pulling you in different directions. That’s why sometimes we hate being alone, and surround ourselves with people constantly, even if we don’t necessarily enjoy their company, because we just don’t want to be alone. If we are talking (it didn’t matter what we were talking about), then I am actively involved in the conversation, and my mind has little time to think, to divert, to wander, so I’m safe. Or so it would seem.
But what we don’t actually realise, is that suppressing our connection with our mind becomes a snowball effect of bad energies and feelings, and this is how one becomes depressed. All our emotions are buried deep at the core of the snowball, that its suppressed deep in our stomachs and souls, and so this causes distress, and ultimately ama (build-up of toxins) in our bodies and so we continue like normal, ignoring the massive volcano on the brink of erupting.
It has taken me three years of reading, soul searching, depression, suicidal peaks, and constant mental struggles to finally let go of depression and loneliness.
When I was 17, one doctor could not get to the root cause of my illness, and instead of admitting this, her pride got in the way as she shifted the blame onto me and thought that I was pretending to be sick to skip High School. She then gave me anti-depressants and lied to us that they were painkillers. Due to the massive amount of medication that I was taking, we didn’t even bother to check, until a few weeks later when we realized that I had been taking one of the strongest anti-depressants out there. I was not depressed at the time, but the use of these pills created a serious problem – I would be high for an hour after taking the pills, laugh, be free and normal, and then I would pass out. The next day, I would feel so depressed with everything, that I would wait until that evening so that I could take the pill and feel better. Once we figured it out, we read the insert of the medication and saw that one of the side effects were depression itself while another was suicidal thoughts. Long after we disposed of the medications I would still get bouts of depression and suicidal feelings as a result of the medication. (I will speak more about my depression in detail in other blog posts.) Being sick with a chronic illness since I was 16 years old has really tested my mental strength, faith, and body. There have been instances where I have felt like I was hanging on by one last thread, instances where I was in such a bad place, in so much of pain, and illness that I felt that I did not want to go on anymore, and times where all my friends had isolated me, causing me to be alone and fragile and feel like I was depressed. The more I learnt that loneliness can be channelled away, the more I was able to heal my mental state to focus on healing.
I have become so at peace with who I am, that I actually love being alone. The day I wrote this, I actually spent the day by myself, grabbing a coffee alone, going to watch a fantastic movie alone in the cinema, reading some of my favourite books in a hot bath with essential oils, and colouring in some beautiful mandalas to end the day. I never once felt alone, or scared, or lonely, disappointed, abandoned, or scared, which were feelings that I used to experience daily. This took me right back to my childhood, when I spent hours and hours alone in the garden or in my room, playing, doing my own thing, and I was the happiest little kid.
This is a very difficult uphill battle for most, and took me a long time to realise how, but I hope I can help people overcome loneliness and depression by understanding the triumphs I personally faced along this road. It’s really important to let go of the idea of “what you want”, and focus on what you “don’t want”, and slowly everything will start falling into place.
I was in a very negative space, and I felt lonely all the time, for the past couple of months I would hang out with friends even though I didn’t always enjoy myself, but I would just do it so I wouldn’t feel so alone, and so I would have friends around me and feel wanted or special. But soon I didn’t want to do it anymore, and I couldn’t understand why, I would start avoiding people, and eventually went into hiding where I felt even more alone than ever. Then I started to really think about it, to think why I walked away and couldn’t do it anymore, it’s because I finally realised what I didn’t want, I didn’t want to be in a friendship just for the sake of having a friend, and I started realising the friendship was draining me and actually bringing out the worst in me, because I started mimicking behaviours just to fit in, and these behaviours of maliciousness and jealousy were just not who I was inside. And so I started understanding what I didn’t want and it made me realise what I actually wanted, and I wanted to be in good company, and it wasn’t long before I realised, that if I wanted good company, I should be the good company myself, so that when I am alone, I really am in good company. I started nurturing my soul with spiritual readings, taking up yoga, going to bookstores and sitting on the floor reading, I started doing all the little things that made my heart jump, and I soon realised, it wasn’t at parties or clubs where I was happy, I was just distracted there, but I was happiest curled up reading a book, or with my art set painting. And I thought back to my childhood and this ultimately was my childhood, I was always to myself, swallowing books, playing alone, creating artworks, singing, dancing, playing In the garden, and here I am 15 years later still getting pleasure from these little things. It soon became clear that I was my own best friend and everything I needed, I already had.
You need to be able to spend a month on your own and never feel lonely, you are the only company you ever need, you are everything and everything is in you, everything is inside you, and you are connected to everything, to be alone Is to not actually be alone at all, to be content alone, is to be blissful.
The minute you are content with your own company, you start to illuminate light, and part of this light will be your attitude of gratitude. Every single thing you complain about, are things you could turn around to be grateful about, and once you start being content and grateful, life really does turn around and give you all the greatness of the universe!
Don’t ever feel like you are alone and lonely! Send me a message <3 or leave a comment if you are in a lonely space and let’s talk about it,
I’m always here – for anyone! If they need <3